Maybe I'm Amazed

Today Hubs surprised me with this document titled "Maybe I'm Amazed."  I decided to not edit it  (much), even though I'd probably want to change the descriptions and a few adjectives if I thought about it too long.  His perception of what I remember feeling is different at points than my memory.  What I love most about this, that it was a total surprise, and that Hubs knew this would make me beyond happy to have.  I remember sitting in the hospital and every time my sister or Hubs would talk about my labor, they sounded like their son had just scored the winning touchdown at the State Championship game.

They were so proud of me.

I have "my version" of the birth story (up to being admitted to the hospital) typed up.  I'll finish it, but may decide not to post it.  I mean really, how many times and ways to you need to hear about how James came into the world?  Maybe I'll post it on his 2nd birthday. ;)

Photo by Sarah Pope

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On the day that James was born as I recorded into my phone our birth story.  A year later, I’m typing out word for word what I recorded in to my phone.  The inflection and timing is a little lost when it’s written out, it’s a bit non sequitur, but you can still hear the excitement and how overwhelmed I was with what had just happened. 

January 8, 2012

Alright!  It is James Francis’ birth day today.  I am walking back from Chipotle.  Going back to see my wife and newly born son.  And I am soo happy about that.  And  there’s a really loud truck next to me.  I wanted to, while it’s fresh on my mind, record what happened in terms of our labor and delivery story.  I just got off the phone with Anne our Bradley teacher (birthing class).  How I explained it to her was, “we are so happy with how everything turned out and really glad we did everything we did, but (laughing) NOTHING happened according to plan." 

We had him this morning (Sunday) at 9:33 and went in to labor on Friday.  At about 7:00 (pm), it was like, “ok, these aren’t just random contractions, they’re frequent contractions.”  They might not have been happening at specific minute intervals.  Once 7:00 Friday hit to this morning, L didn’t have a single 12 minutes where she didn’t have a contraction.  So we started going in to labor on Friday … I was able to sleep 2-3 hours that evening.  L stayed up … when we first started timing they were mostly about 6-8 minutes a part.  This was at around 8:30 (pm).  And whenever L was having contractions, she was just kind of bouncing/ rocking around on her feet.  She stayed very active.  We stayed up all night Friday.  And Friday morning … at around 4:30 Friday morning we called the midwives and talked to Deb because our contractions had been about a minute in length and about 5 minutes apart for probably about an hour … maybe even two.  Every now and then there’d be one that wasn’t exactly in that interval, but probably 40 contractions over the last 2 hours.  Is that right?  My math is off (pause) … 24 contractions over the last 2 hours.    So we called Trish and we were thinking we would go in, but when L took a walk with Trish (after Trish came over), contractions seemed to be less intense.  What we were really looking for is some of the emotional signposts such as where she wasn’t able to speak during contractions.  And every now and then there’d be a string of 4 where it was really intense, but they’d kind of ease off in between and she could joke around and be funny … [and] quote lines from The Princess Bride.  So after Trish came over, we realized, “hey it’s gonna be a while before we go in.”  We labored throughout the day.  Talked to Titi (midwife) once while L was out walking.  She said get some rest.  So we labored the entire day and eventually ended up going in at a little after midnight.  So technically Sunday morning.  It still never got to that point where there was inability to talk, but EVERYTHING was very intense.  There was a lot a lot of lower back pain and the best thing for L was just rubbing in circles.  Trish was doing a great job.  If I needed a break she would step in.  Just kind of there for anything L needed.

We went in and got admitted.  The first thing that Titi did was measure a couple contractions and decided they wanted to do a cervical check.  We were between 9.5 and 10 cm dilated!  So it’s like this huge rush of, “oh my gosh, this is going to happen today.”  So 9.5 to 10 cm dilated, however, our water hadn’t broke.  So we spent the next two hours trying to push the baby’s head down onto the bag of waters (through positioning) to try and get the waters to break.  Did various positions trying to focus on letting gravity work.  Weren’t really able to do anything and then I think (pause) we actually (pause … thinking), she [Titi] went in, she didn’t exactly break the waters like you normally would, I think she kind of assisted it and it broke on its own when she went in there to break it.  Something along those lines.  The water broke so she went to measure where he was and he was probably a little higher than minus 3 station.  He was still way up and hadn’t really descended into the pelvis … definitely not over the pelvic ridge.  So our goal then became how do we force him down.  So we spent a lot of time pushing.  But not like you would in the pushing stage where you would feel the urge to push and then you push.  This is where you‘re having a contraction and then L is making herself push.  And I HAVE NEVER (pause) ever in my life (pause) seen that kind of determination in my life.  I mean, it was … it was basically to the point where there was a coach pushing her, and she was going beyond what that coach was telling her to do.  She’d push 5 times.  Hold her breath, not make a sound, chin down, pull her legs back, and push push push push push push push push for 10 seconds, breathe in, do it immediately again.  Again.  And again.  Kept checking and he really wasn’t descending.  This was probably after 3 or 4 hours.  Several different positions.  There were ALL these times where it was like Titi thinks we’re done pushing, we’re done with the contraction, L would keep going.   She was so determined.  There was no way she was going to have an epidural if she could help it.  So we kind of discussed, I think we got him to minus 2, maybe, yeah, really minus 2 at best.  And she was feeling him when she was pushing and it got to the point where it was like, we needed to think about other options.  [Titi] thought the best thing was to do an epidural with the mindset that, L has been laboring for 48 hours.  I had probably slept about 5 hours and I wasn’t having contractions and getting chased around with oatmeal.   I mean, L was going to town.  It was unbelievable.  Titi thought, if we can give her an epidural, it can give her a chance to rest and then it will also relax the muscles around the pelvis.  Because maybe, she’s just so exhausted that maybe she can’t relax those muscles and that will help him descend.    Also, the whole time, L was … L was in pain.  There was moaning.  There was a lot of bending over the bed.  When a contraction started it was like, someone get to the lower back.  But she was SO focused.  She’d be having them and she’d be telling herself [aloud] the coaches lines, “alright relax your neck, relax your neck.”  There were times once we got to the hospital where the contractions were so strong, and she was in the bed in a position that the midwife had her get in to that maybe wasn’t a comfortable position for her but it was the best one she thought for pushing, and she was grabbing my hand or forearm so tight and looking at me.  And it was this look of, “oh my gosh this hurts.”  But that was happening ALL the time.  And she showed no signs of like, “I’m afraid to do this.”  It was just, “I’m gonna do this.”  When it was hurting, it would hurt, but she just kept doing it.  There were a couple times where she said, “I can’t do this.  I can’t do this (exhausted).”  But she convinced herself, “no I can do this.  I am.  I’m doing this.”  Bam.  Bam.  Bam.  I don’t think …. Being as objective as I can be, it wasn’t just about her managing pain.  It was about she had every reason to be exhausted.  She was exhausted.  And at the same time, she gave no indication … she didn’t even complain.  She was very supportive and thankful of Trish and me working.  It was absolutely incredible. So we [made the decision to get] an epidural.

When Titi came back into the room and looked at the monitors … the other thing was, during a lot of this pushing (before the epidural) you could see that the baby was in distress because the heart rate was dropping and they strapped L up to oxygen and had the heart rate monitors on.  They’d take them off when she went to the shower.  I had no doubt also that Titi wanted us to have this baby naturally and was doing everything she could.  She was pushing L so hard and L was even going beyond that.  So when it came down to it being time to get the epidural, L pretty much broke down and was pretty crushed.  Titi kept saying I think if we keep trying this … trying this voluntary pushing, it’s not really being effective now.  We’re going to end up doing it for another 3 hours and ending up in the OR which is not what we want.  We need to do what we can to have this vaginally because that’s the next best option (side note: this was said to Trish and I away from L).  L was crying and very upset.  I think it was just her mind was so set on one thing she couldn’t break that to do [something else].  So leaving her for the epidural was pretty hard.  Fortunately Titi stays in there for the epidural.  Titi had completely won our respect and trust.  So she got the epidural.  When Titi came back in the room and looked at the monitors that the nurse had set up, it was clear in her reaction that, “no this isn’t doing it.  The baby’s still in stress.”  Oh and also, the baby had been flipped the wrong way.  I think we corrected that for the most part with different positioning.  As the baby was getting pushed when she had the epidural, it wasn’t really going anywhere (even though L continued to have "beautiful contractions").  [Titi] was still checking.  Titi would talk to us about other options and L would have a contraction and L would start to push because L was, again, THAT determined.  So then it was kind of like, I think what we need to do is have a C-section.  And Titi never actually said that.  It was always, “this baby wants out” “we need to look at other plans.”  She never said those words that we might have a knee jerk reaction to immediately.  So we went to get the C-section.  L was really you know, sad (but a bit relieved; she was ready to meet the baby).  That was what was really hard, because, it was hard for me watching her in pain, but she was such a fighter I was almost freaked out and completely amazed by that.  But when she was crushed and weeping, that was really hard for me. 

So when they took her back, they took her back for the C-section, I went back with her.  I stayed there by her head and kind of peeked over once or twice … and then James came out J.  The only other bad thing is there was some meconium in the amniotic sack (we found that after the water broke) and because of that, we had planned to do placental encapsulation, the placenta had to go off to pathology.  That was a bit of a bummer.  But otherwise, he came on his due date, he’s healthy, he’s adorable, he’s the cutest baby, L is strong and I think in hindsight she’ll realize there’s nothing more she could’ve done.  Even when she talks about this to people she doesn’t really highlight how INCREDIBLY … how much she was dealing with through the pain, it’s just “yeah, I really don’t think I could’ve done another 3 hours.”  Even though another 3 hours wouldn’t have done anything.  AND, when they went in for the C-section Titi said, “he was up … he was still up really high, I don’t think there was any way he was coming out that way.”  He was choosing his own route.  You could see his head was being molded the right way to try and get out.  You could see a ring on his head where he’d been pushing against the top of the pelvis.  He definitely tried.  Or she definitely tried.  He definitely said, “hey, let’s do this another way.”  All in all, I think when L looks back at this, I mean, she’ll, currently there’s a lot of disappointment because, no, it didn’t happen the way we tried to or planned.  But we don’t regret anything about going for it and she did brilliantly. 

NOTES:

One funny thing I notice a year later when listening to me talking … it’s funny how much I refer to James as “the baby.”  Since we named him that day, so much of everything was about prepping for the baby rather than prepping for James.

A few memorable stories from during labor:

I felt really well prepared.  We had done the Bradley Method class and had been practicing relaxation techniques for the past month.  Which was really good for us in general.  We (& Trish) had all read “Natural Hospital Birth” and L was rocking at doing positioning to help the baby descend (she squatted and weeded the ENTIRE yard a little more than a week before he was born)

Saturday evening was the first ever Texans playoff game.  L and I were in the bathroom hearing cheers from the house behind us.  “I guess the Texans just scored.”  We won 31-10.

While laboring at the house I kept thinking L’s body must be tired and out of energy and kept asking if she wanted oatmeal with coconut milk (because it’s fatty).  She said in hindsight it felt like I was chasing her around the house trying to get her to eat oatmeal.  Trish meanwhile was re-reading Natural Hospital Birth & looking online and kept mentioning taking a bath to relax to help labor.  So Trish was campaigning for a bath and I was campaigning to eat oatmeal.  Pretty funny.

When we drove to the hospital at 12:30 AM Sunday morning, the parking garage at Texas Children’s said “Full” (we were valeting anyway).  We realized later, they weren’t letting any cars in because they were going to be imploding the Houston Prudential Building directly across from the hospital in the morning.  This building was right out the window from the offices where I worked at M. D. Anderson.  It was imploded while we were in the ER, and our parent's in the waiting room said they could feel it.

Our anesthesiologist seemed like he was cast out of a sitcom.  If someone’s inserting a needle into your spine you want confidence and assurance.  He was a young guy and had the thickest black rimmed glasses.  He came in at a time when emotions were high.  As the nurse is telling me how good he is as he is setting up his sterile table, he opens up one of his items out of the package and it falls on the floor.  I went to pick it up but stopped short of putting it back on his table at the gasps that “that’s a sterile area!”  When I was out in the waiting area while he was giving the epidural I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation.  He turned out to be great and was a nice support for L to have during the C-section before I was allowed to come in. 

Among The Princess Bride quotes L would make, the most common was saying “you don’t suppose you could a-speed things up?”  (from the scene where Inigo Montoya keeps looking down at Westley impatiently while he’s hanging off the Cliffs of Insanity).

^ I have no idea why the above text keeps showing up bigger than everything else. Obnoxious.