2 pink lines

On May 4th at 7:30 in the morning I saw this.

Yup I'm pregnant.

At first when I saw them I wasn't excited at all. I was nervous. I stood in the guest bathroom for a couple of minutes breathing and trying to figure out how I felt. I didn't know. I felt like just staying there and keeping it a secret. This moment always seemed like it should be a jumping up and down moment. I walked back to the bedroom and tapped on the open door. Surely Hubs hadn't fallen back asleep. He had beaten me to the master bathroom to pee, and wasn't the first thing on his mind that morning that I was taking a pregnancy test!? Apparently not. I tapped a little louder and he looked up very confused. I don't remember what exactly I said; I think I just held up the test. He hugged me with excitement. I was speechless.

I went off to work to give 3 massages, and surprisingly didn't think about it much. It didn't seem real. Afterward, I went to my parent's house, where I first told my mom. I just showed her the picture of the test on my phone. She said, "does that mean you are!?" in a quiet but excited tone, my dad was in the living room and could hear us. When I nodded she gave me a shushed "oooooh!" which if you know my mom is showing a lot of giddiness and enthusiasm. It immediately made me feel more calm, and a little bit excited.

I tried to be clever with the way that I told my dad, but he was too doped up on meds (he had his knee replaced last week) to catch my subtlety. Finally I spilled the news outright and he said something like, "good, that's good." And then reminded me that I probably shouldn't be telling people yet. "Yes Dad."

When I hugged my mom goodbye she said, "I'll be much more excited for you in 3 months." I let her know that her reaction was perfect, and that I totally understand. My mom had 2 miscarriages between my sister and me: the second happening late in the 1st trimester, and only 1 or 2 months before I was conceived. My sister's first pregnancy was a miscarriage as well. I've always kind of had it in my head that my first would also be a miscarriage. I've been preparing for it. I already have a to-do list for after I miscarry:

eat a lot of sushi

drink a lot of red wine

paint the front bedroom and dining room
    donate blood

But that's not actually why I was nervous when I saw the double lines. It just gave me anxiety. Like, "do I really want this?"

Later that night I called my sister and told her to grab her phone. She knew immediately why. I had emailed her a picture of the test. She was giddy and apparently had a big goofy smile on her face, just as I had for her both times she had told me her news. She helped me feel a bit more relaxed about the news, and even a little excited.

Here's to the pregnancy journey, no matter how long it actually lasts.